A Tale of Lost Flamingos

A Tale of Lost Flamingos
As told by Kein MacEwan, in 2001.

A long time ago, about five or six years ago, in a place far away, Pennsylvania, there was a great gathering of strange and unusual people who set up elaborate campsites and sang and danced and bashed on each other with sticks and drank and spent money for about 10 days. They called this great gathering, The Pennsic War.

At this war there was a smaller group of people who all camped together. They were all from Texas and Oklahoma. We will call them the Ansteorrans. They had a wise and noble (really) leader with them who we will call Kein (that's what he calls himself on most weekends). The Ansteorrans called him King Kein or Your Majesty or "hey, you with that shiny pointy thing on your head."

Now the Ansteorrans were a long way from home and there were a lot more non-Ansteorrans than Ansteorrans, so they decided that they must do everything in greater quantity and with more excellence than any others there. They wished to make sure that no one doubted their presence. So they sang louder and danced wilder and bashed harder and drank more and spent more than just about anyone there. They were especially good at the drinking and bashing.

Camped right next to the Ansteorrans was a group of people from a land called Meridies led by a man called Duke Kane. Duke Kane had an elaborate encampment that the Meridians called the Pink Palace.

The Pink Palace was a place of merriment and debauchery. Every night many Ansteorrans passed by the noble Guardians of the Gate at the Pink Palace to partake in drinking and mud wrestling and dancing and watching other people do foolish things. The Guardians of the Gate were, of course, pink flamingos. Duke Kane and his lady, Duchess Alyssa, were very proud of their pink flamingos and often boasted of their prowess at guarding the encampment.

Close to the end of the Pennsic war, Duke Kane and Duchess Alyssa set up a great hue and cry for two of their noble birds had been kidnapped. Duke Kane came to Kein (sorry about those names. They're confusing to everyone) and said, "King Kein, my flamingos are gone. Do you know what has happened to them?"

Kein shook his wise and noble (really) head and said, "No, my friend, I do not know where they are. Your loss saddens me." Duke Kane hung his head and returned to the Pink Palace, bereft. The Meridians packed up the palace and all returned to Meridies that night.

Many Ansteorrans left that night also, but some stayed, as did Kein. The ones who stayed had a small party to celebrate their glorious success at everything they succeeded at. The next morning they found that , despite their best efforts they had not succeeded in drinking everything there was to drink. In fact, there was an entire case of a wondrous brew that they had discovered there in Pennsylvania, that was called Stoney's in 16 oz. Returnable Bottles.

The Ansteorrans came to their King and asked what they should do with this excellent beverage. Kein declared that they should think of a way for Ansteorrans who came to the Pennsic War in the future to partake of this brew. So the Ansteorran dug a deep hole and placed the case of Stoney's in 16 oz. Returnable Bottles in the bottom of the hole. And then they decided that they would leave other things of value for future Ansteorrans to find and enjoy. They put mugs and jewelry and prophylactics in the hole and were very pleased.

One of them said, "We must have some kind of Guardians for this great treasure."

Another said, "I know just the thing," and retrieved two pink flamingos from his tent.

Kein said, "Wait right there! Are those the noble birds that guarded the gates of the Pink Palace for Duke Kane?"

The Ansteorran said, "Yes, Your Majesty."

Kein shouted, "Did you steal those flamingoes?"

The Ansteorran said, "No, Great Dude Who Wears a Shiny Pointy Thing on Your Head."

"Well, how is it that they are in your possession?" Kein asked.

The Ansteorran hesitated, "They… um… asked for political asylum."

"Oh," Kein said.

And so the pink flamingos were placed on top of the treasure to be buried so that their graceful long necks were only a few inches below the surface of the earth. They were to guard the treasure for one year until the Ansteorrans returned and dug it up. At that time the flamingos would be offered the opportunity to return to their rightful place at the gate of the Pink Palace.

A year went by and the Ansteorrans returned to the Pennsic War, but the man who had made the map was not there, nor was the map. And so the treasure was lost. Now years later, despite many searches, the flamingos guard their treasure forlornly, with little hope of relief.

So, guard your flamingos well, lest they be pressed into endless service guarding beer and rubbers.

This is a true story.