The Tale of Owen and JP and the Golf Cart

From Ansteorra History Wiki
Jump to navigationJump to search

Transcribed from a recording made at Namron Protectorate, 2005
Interviewer: Zubeydah
Participants: Owen ap Aeddan, Jean Paul de Sens, aka "JP", Cassius Lepus, aka "Rabbit"

Zubeydah: State your name...

Cassius: NO!

Zubeydah: ...and your group...

Cassius: Wiesenfeuer! In the Kingdom of Ansteorra!

Cassius: ...And there we were, at Gulf Wars, drinking a bit...

Jean-Paul: A LOT...

Cassius: And then, some person...

Jean-Paul: Persons!

Cassius: No! Person! Put Sieur Jean-Paul, and Sir Owen – Then, Squire Jean-Paul, and Squire Owen – in a golf cart.

Jean-Paul: For Security!

Cassius: And gave them Security duty!

Owen: (Begins giggling)

Cassius: And so they were driving.. sixty... eighty miles an hour... through the place. We happened to be at the Gate in the middle of the Castle, minding our own business. Not doing anything wrong. And they drove through – screaming like madmen! And they tried to accost the lady I was with, and myself, and then drove off! And so, I started chasing them. Then, Owen, who was driving, turned the cart around, and started driving towards me. And I thought, “I could jump that golf cart!” So as I was running towards it, timing it spectacularly...

Jean-Paul: I think “drunktacularly,” would be right.

Cassius: I leapt up... Yes, drunktacularly... and I’m sure they sped up... so my timing was a little off. As they clipped my shin, and I landed face first in Owen’s crotch.

(Everyone): (begins laughing)

Cassius: He’s DRIVING, mind you.

Jean-Paul: Wearing a kilt!

Owen: He was wearing a kilt! (editor's note: Cassius was in the kilt, not Owen)

Cassius: .. and nothing else!

Zubeydah: Regimental?

Cassius: That’s the only way, at Gulf Wars!

Jean-Paul: That’s... we got to see.
(Editor's note: For clarity - when Cassius attempted to leap the cart and it struck his legs, he was flipped nearly 180 degrees. His face hit Owen's crotch, and his uncovered .. uh.. parts... landed squarely in Owen's face.)

Cassius: So he stopped.. he finally stopped, he didn’t, like, drive around with me, with my legs in the air... and this little woman... about five foot nothing...

Jean-Paul: Naw, 4’10!

Cassius: 4’10... Okay, I’ll go with 4’10...

Jean-Paul: The world’s smallest double-peer!

Cassius: She popped up against Owen, and she... She was..

Jean-Paul: So.. and I’ll go back to correct it, the errors in the earlier story... So, Rabbit’s laughing. Owen is giggling maniacally, because he’s like, ‘I just ran over Rabbit!’

(Everyone): (laughing)

Jean-Paul: And she stalks out of the castle. And later on, we kinda noticed that as she stalked out, this dude kinda slips out into the shadows.

(Someone): .. and it wasn’t her husband.

Jean-Paul: The same area she had been in, this dude walks out. She stalks over. She’s like, “What do you guys think you’re doing?!” And Owen’s like, ‘Heeeheeeheee,” because he’s just kind of stuck there. He can’t get out more than “heeeeheeeheeeheee..” She starts going off on us, “blah blah blah blah blah,”

Cassius: Mostly about how important she was.

Jean-Paul: Yeah! “Does little ole me intimidate you?” And Owen, still, is just laughing: “hheeeeeheeeeheeeee.” He hasn’t actually said a word yet. And Rabbit starts egging her on! He’s like, “That’s right! They’re misbehaving!” She’s all, “That’s right! They’re misbehaving!” And Rabbit’s going, “They’re being bad! You should take away their golf cart!” And she’s like, “I should take away their golf cart!” and I’m all, “RABBIT! SHUT UP!! What are you doin’ to me!?” And he’s all, “They’ve been bad. You should make them walk to their camp and tell what they did.” So she takes our golf cart, we walk back to Security, and we.... We had been doing an awesome job.

(Someone): I’m sure they’d been doing...

Jean-Paul: ok, so, the rest of the story.. that whole, ‘we were sitting there doing nothing,’ – the true story, and Thorgrim Bjornson will back me up on this...

(Someone): (groans)

Jean-Paul: Is that Gudren, said young blonde lady, was in the Northkeep camp, and her mouth was running. And she was a heavy fighter, but she was running her mouth. Thorgrim put a bounty on her left nipple, at the next fighter practice. That if anyone hit her in the left nipple, that he would give them a substantial and pretty chain of amber. And you know Thorgrim. You KNOW he’s got substantial and pretty chains of amber, because Sigen ’s got an addiction. So. He says, the only way she can get out of it, is if Gudren gets Sigen a flag from the Gulf War Tower.

Zubeydah: So.. how does one get a flag from the Tower?

(Jean-Paul and Someone Else in unison): You climb up it!

Jean-Paul: When it’s dark! And you’re drunk! And people are not there! So, Owen and I are on security, doing a good job, and we see them, staggering down the road, and they tell us what happened. Foolishly enough. And I was like, “We’re security, guys! You can’t tell us this!” And they were like, “oh, uh, we didn’t do anything!” And then, we see them at the castle... and we know, they’re stealing that flag, right now. I bet you they’re going for that flag! And so we drive the golf cart on to the thing,

Jean-Paul, aside: Yeah, I’ve seen the flag, actually.. they DID get it..

Jean-Paul: So, we drive the golf cart on the thing, just like he said, he jumps out, he goes, “AAGHHHH!” and we turn to avoid them, and we go right up the hill, and he’s chasing us!

Cassius: Avoid me, I like this. Avoiding me.

Owen: (mad cackling)

Jean-Paul: And he chases us up the hill. And Owen does this big, sweeping turn... (Makes screeching-car-tire noises) and he’s like, starts driving towards Rabbit...

Cassius: On two wheels on the golf cart...

Jean-Paul: and he’s like, “PERHAPS TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE!!” and he’s beating on the steering wheel as he runs down Rabbit. And then it’s like he said: Rabbit mis-times the leap, lands face first in Owen’s lap, and all the rest happens.

Cassius: It hurt, too! My bony shins.. right there, below your knee...

Jean-Paul: Far be it from them to actually SAY they were up to no good that night.. I.. uh...

Cassius: I don’t recall that!

Zubeydah: Who IS “the world’s smallest double peer?”

Jean-Paul: I have no idea who the world’s smallest, bitterest, double peer is.

Cassius: She was, like, the autocrat! Didn’t she say she was the autocrat?

Jean-Paul: I think she was!

Cassius: Co-Autocrat!

Jean-Paul: Oh, she was SO pissed at us... we go back to the security station, and the guy’s like, ‘What the hell happened?! You guys were doing great! And then (unintelligible) comes in, and she’s all yelling at me, and she’s like, blah blah blah! He’s like, “what happened!?” We tell him the whole story, just like I told you, with the circles and the arrows, and the pictures of the back, and the whole thing.. and he’s like, ‘wow..well.. (sigh).. alright...”

Cassius: Here’s the keys!

Jean-Paul: Well, no.. no... so we go, and we sign out, and he signs our chit, so we can turn in our volunteer chit. Owen and I are sitting in there, the last day of Gulf Wars, and we’re eating food, and the guy comes by, the head of Security comes back in. And he says, “you know, I heard all KINDS of stories about what you guys were doing that night. I heard you were riding around with your Knight on the back of the golf cart, and we’re like, no! no!”

Cassius: I was in the front!

Jean-Paul: Owen’s like, “It was someone else’s knight, it wasn’t ours..” And as he’s talking, there’s a couple of things mixed in that we HADN’T done, and some half truths, so we were able to be like, “no, no... that’s not us!” And he said, “Well, you guys did a good job! If you guys come back next year, I’ll put you on security again.” And we’re like, “really?” And he’s like, “Yeah!” And I’m like, “O-KAY!!”

(Someone) : (Goofy’s ah-yuh chuckle)

Jean-Paul: And I’ve been working Security still! They still put me in charge!